I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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