yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
