I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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