I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
