We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
