i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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