i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
