whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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