hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
God, I missed his penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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