Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
