Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
