I just made out with a guy for $7.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
