Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
