Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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