I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
