Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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