she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
