Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
