Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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