I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
