i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
