My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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