At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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