She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
