Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
