Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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