Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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