my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
