I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There r osticjed everywhere
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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