Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
