I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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