I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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