***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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