shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
