Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I want to walk on stilts...naked
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
