There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Come share oat with me in your robe
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
