Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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