maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
