It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize