He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
