shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
