3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
