He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
