Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
dude. I can hear the air.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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