I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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