What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
