Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Let's get the cat blown out
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
