we have pet lesbian snakes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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