Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
