i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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