Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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