happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
