It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
