New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
In America we eat man semen.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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