smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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