I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need to calm my uterus...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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