I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
