Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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