hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am naked and annoyed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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