Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
